It’s not often that I feel nothing for someone. Isn’t that the ultimate insult to someone? To not be able to feel love or even hatred for someone. To feel absolutely nothing for that person.
I think some people deserve that.
I’ve recently had someone question my integrity. In the past when someone has done this, I’ve been very angry and wanted to set them straight. Yet with this someone I found that I was unable to care. They meant so little to me that I couldn’t even bring myself to respond.
The question is, does this reflect badly upon that someone or me?
I heard in a song once, “This is how it works; you’re young until you’re not. You love until you don’t, you try until you can’t. You laugh until you cry, you cry until you laugh. And everyone must breathe, until they’re dying breath.”
Have I stopped loving and trying? I know I still can, but it would seem I’ve stopped and have just been breathing. Perhaps I’m just waiting for that person that will make me start again…
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Musing over the past
I have recently discovered that I am a very sexual being. From the non-self imposed abstinence or from it being natural, I don't know... But I'm definitely seeing things in a different light recently.
I had been abstinent (though as I said before, this wasn't self imposed, I simply refused to settle for someone I didn't really want) for three years when I met him. He was fun and different from many of the men I had dated at the time.
He swept me off my feet and before I knew it, we were having sex. Glorious, wonderful sex. I felt like a virgin all over again. We were always together in very interesting places, a pool, the public park, a feild with the sun shining on us in the back of his truck. He wasn't really rough enough or passionate enough for me, but it was still good after those years of nothing.
Then one day, he just didn't call anymore. Didn't return my calls either. Let it never be said that I am a stupid woman, I knew what our relationship had been, although I had always hoped for more. I can't say I don't resent what he did. He knew I wasn't looking for a fuck buddy, but that's what he made me. He was aware of my feelings the entire time and had no regard for them. He took my three years away from me and gave me nothing good to replace those years with. Sure, I got a few nights of pleasure, but they weren't the kind I wanted and then took it all away. No matter what, those few nights can't replace years.
But every now and then, I find myself hit with a flash of the past. A thought of how it felt to feel a hard cock for the first time in three years. A memory of hands on my body. I have to admit that at times, I'd give anything to feel something like that at least once a week, though not with him. He and I are through. I won't let myself be used again, but this is how I discovered how sexual I am. Musing over the past and hoping for the future.
I had been abstinent (though as I said before, this wasn't self imposed, I simply refused to settle for someone I didn't really want) for three years when I met him. He was fun and different from many of the men I had dated at the time.
He swept me off my feet and before I knew it, we were having sex. Glorious, wonderful sex. I felt like a virgin all over again. We were always together in very interesting places, a pool, the public park, a feild with the sun shining on us in the back of his truck. He wasn't really rough enough or passionate enough for me, but it was still good after those years of nothing.
Then one day, he just didn't call anymore. Didn't return my calls either. Let it never be said that I am a stupid woman, I knew what our relationship had been, although I had always hoped for more. I can't say I don't resent what he did. He knew I wasn't looking for a fuck buddy, but that's what he made me. He was aware of my feelings the entire time and had no regard for them. He took my three years away from me and gave me nothing good to replace those years with. Sure, I got a few nights of pleasure, but they weren't the kind I wanted and then took it all away. No matter what, those few nights can't replace years.
But every now and then, I find myself hit with a flash of the past. A thought of how it felt to feel a hard cock for the first time in three years. A memory of hands on my body. I have to admit that at times, I'd give anything to feel something like that at least once a week, though not with him. He and I are through. I won't let myself be used again, but this is how I discovered how sexual I am. Musing over the past and hoping for the future.
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